Funnel Flicks STILL steaming

Jul 9, 2004
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>That was either Helen Hunt in "Roller Coaster" or Diana Canova in "Death of Ocean View Park" two of Von Stroheim's later works that are frequently mistaken for Queen Kelly, even by film scholars. I believe, in fact, that the bit player who played "Cough Drops" resurfaced as "Jovial Fat Woman Sitting Next To Equally Jovial Skinny African-American Man Both of Whom Presumably Die When Their Roller Coaster Car Demolishes The Cotton Candy Stand" in the crash sequence in Roller Coaster.

Actually, Ocean View Park was in Norfolk, VA. And this coaster was one of the articulated train coasters of the west coast. Most "Giant Dipper" coasters there were Prior and Church twisters - and since that film (Whatever it was!) was done in either San Fran or Los Angeles, it would have had to be one of the west coast twisters. Ocean View Park's Rocket was designed in the late 20s by Ed Vettel and didn't have articulated trains. Although I think a roller coaster crash would have been fun in that.
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Okay, let's see if you can figure this out:

You don't actually 'see' her.

A Night to Remember an innocent bystander.

"Ducks"

"Ducks"

My heart was abruptly stopped and won't go on any time soon.

"I am a beautiful woman..."

"Empty"

All four properly functioned.


I'm afraid they're not very good clues, but we'll see. I don't think this will come swiftly to anyone's mind.
 

Jim Kalafus

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Dec 3, 2000
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>All four properly functioned.

Funnels? I trust that this is not a reference to an episode of the Golden Girls in which the ensemble cast goes on a cruise! Assuming that it IS funnels, and not Estelle Getty et al of which you speak, is it safe to assume that we speak of either the Mauretania or Lusitania? Or do you speak of propellers?

>A Night to Remember an innocent bystander.

So, is this innocent bystander of whom you speak a human or a ship?

>My heart was abruptly stopped and won't go on any time soon.

Okay. A character dies in this film?

>You don't actually 'see' her.

Filmed entirely on a set, with no liner stock footage....or is this an oblique reference to an unseen and mysterious character?

>"I am a beautiful woman..."

Ship's name, or a quote from the film?

Now, this is the point on What's My Line at which Phyllis Newman would chime in with an utterly stupid question along the lines of "Does this film have anything to do with meat?" and break the momentum.

It doesn't have anything to do with meat, does it?

Continuing...... the two ducks references intrigue me. Direct quotes, a situation from the film, or are you getting lofty and symbolic. The only pairing of "Duck Duck" that immediately comes to mind is followed by "goose" and I'm fairly certain that you are not going in that direction.

A few What's My Line questions for you, Mr. McKinney:

Bennett Cerf: Is it safe to assume that this film features a ship but is not actually about one?

Arlene Francis: Is this film likely to be familiar to most viewers, although the ship reference may not be? If I were to walk down Fifth Avenue and ask a stranger about this film, would he or she be likely to know it?


JIM (as rotating guest panelist) Would it be safe to assume that although this film may have been shown in my lifetime (1966-2005) it actually pre~dates me?

Phyllis Newman: Would it fit in my pocket?

Bennett: Is this film a drama?

Arlene: Is this a 'star vehicle' or an ensemble cast film?

Jim: Would this movie be set in the time frame in which it was filmed (eg. a 1955 film set in 1955) or is it a period piece?

Phyllis: Would I be likely to wear this around the house, or is it strictly formalwear?

Bennett: When you say "my heart was abruptly stopped" are you being literal or symbolic? Is this in reference to a character or the ship itself?

(as this question is asked, the unmistakable sounds of angry producers dragging Phyllis Newman off the set overlap him)

Arlene: Did the ship in question exist in the real world, or are we talking about an author's flight of fancy, like the Poseidon?

Jim: Is this ship a present or former 'ship of state?'

Dorothy Kilgallen (subbing for the departed Phyllis Newman): Are we correct in assuming that you even speak of a liner? Or is this one of those dreary films involving battleships and homoerotic male bonding?

Bennett: Does this film have a signature song?

Arlene: Color or black and white?

Jim: Hollywood or import?

Phyllis Newman(heard from offstage, faintly): Do you sell lobsters?

Dorothy: Better known for its cast, or its director?
 
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Whoa! Whoa! No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!

>Phyllis: Would I be likely to wear this around the house, or is it strictly formalwear?

Both. It's a blue velvet mumu. ;)

More clues:

Mauritania a no-go.

Occasional bouts of multiple personality disorder.

"It ain't like that sonny."

Rita's always ready.

"... a beautiful woman" a quote.

Most people know the ship but not the film.

Everyone loves to fall off drainpipes. (Okay, not EVERYONE, just one guy.)

"I am number one!"

Life, liberty, and the pursuit of free food.

After a war and before another.

Fufilment of every beauty queen's wish... sort of.

Second time around is always better.

From England with love.

"Empty"

--------


>Phyllis Newman(heard from offstage, faintly): Do you sell lobsters?

Yes, but only in bulk.
 

Jim Kalafus

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>Occasional bouts of multiple personality disorder.

Plot point, or a reference to one of the stars? If a star reference, I am thinking Sally "Sybil" Field; Joanne "Three Faces of Eve" Woodward; Eleanor "Lizzie" Parker or Patty "Cousins identical Cousins" Duke.

Rita's always ready.

Unless you speak of the Lusitania's Rita Jolivet making a film comeback of which we were unware until now, I'm guessing that this is either Miss Hayworth or Miss Moreno.

>Most people know the ship but not the film.

Most ship buffs, or most "normal" people? That is to say, "Is the ship so well known that a random stranger approached in the supermarket is likely to have heard of it."

"I am number one!"

No, I am, but we'll not debate that here
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>Life, liberty, and the pursuit of free food.

Now I am thinking overweight star.

>After a war and before another.

Which narrows the time frame in which the film is set down to....well...2000 years. Having eliminated Caveman and The Quest For Fire, I am now hot on the trail.

>Fufilment of every beauty queen's wish... sort of.

The appearance of acne on the face of one's closeest rival? Free liposuction? A walk-on on the latest remake of The Love Boat? Bulimia and amphetamines without harmful physical consequences? A session on The Casting Couch with Bob Barker followed by the reward of being allowed to appear on the air doing a "Taaaa-DAAAAAHH" gesture at a microwave or a reclining chair? Or is this a plot point?

>Second time around is always better.

Such is not always the case....is this a sequel?

>From England with love.

Petula Clark? Georgie Fame and the Blue Flames? Showaddywaddy? Or is this a tie in to a cast member from To Russia With Love, or To Sir With Love?

>"Empty"

Is this all building up to the painfully unfunny episode of I Love Lucy in which she gets lowered by helicopter onto the Constitution? (Note-I am aware that "painfully unfunny" in this case was superfluous as it applies to all 179 episodes, but I digress....) or, perhaps, the cameo by the United States at the beginning of West Side Story? Probably not, but I just thought I'd ask.

More clues, lad......
 
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>More clues, lad......

Your wish is my command...

----------

Presentable. Brainy. Silly.

Not a sequel.

Rita Hayworth NOT in the movie - nor Rita Moreno. FYI.

Diana Rigg could have been seen before the event ocurred if you had waited a little longer.

Put in your two cents worth.

"Feed the birds, tuppence a bag..."

Overshadowed by a frustrating little Belgian.

Mewes makes a brief appearance.

"Hungry"

Holes in shoes and cheap brooches.

------------

You already deserve more tobacco juice - because you've got the Lusitania. Now you just need to get the storyline out.

BTW - should have clarified - this was a Made for TV Movie.

EDIT: Must also clarify before peoples' hopes get up that this isn't a Rita Jolivet film...
 

Jim Kalafus

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Dec 3, 2000
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<Made for TV Movie

Ah, my forte! From the clues, I can guess that it is neither "Mysterious Island of Beautiful Woman" nor "Devil Dog: The Hound of Hell" and PROBABLY not the cautionary one in which teenaged Scott Baio smokes marijuana and beats his beloved brother with an oar at a family picnic after consuming all of the dessert. Having eliminated those, I will now go to think. Night the Bridge Fell Down with Desi Arnaz junior, Eve Plumb and Leslie Nielsen? No..... "Laker Girls" with Tina Yothers as The World's Most Hulking Aspiring Major League Cheerleader? Horrifying...but again, no....Suzanne Somers....Barbi Benton....Charo....it's all so confusing.....

I'll be back with the answer, young'un.
 
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While you're thinking on that:

The author of this later went on to kill many, many people in print.

Licorice could be the female lead's favorite candy.
 

Jim Kalafus

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Dec 3, 2000
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>"Feed the birds, tuppence a bag..."

Famous musical interlude from Jaws.

>Mewes makes a brief appearance.

London Ritz footage, again in famous Jaws sequence?

>Holes in shoes and cheap brooches.

Lorraine Gary's wardrobe in Jaws?

>Second time around is always better.

Jaws 2?

No....then it must be Agatha Christie's Secret Adversary, with Honor Blackman playing 'Rita,' and let us not forget darling Tuppence.

happy.gif


Took me a while to put the pieces together. But, during a viewing of "It's Suzanne" (the Suzanne Somers musical TV special co-starring a particularly wan looking Karen Carpenter) which I always watch to draw inspiration, it came to me!
 

Jim Kalafus

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Dec 3, 2000
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So, my friend...having thrown down the gauntlet, let me ask you:

"Be-witched be-bothered-Be-wildered? Hardly, my beloved spouse."

Two if by sea.

Not a desirable gig, eventually

Lesbian nuns?

Sixpence.

Whack HUAC, wisecrack?

Columbian anagram.

"Can we get Selleck for the remake?"

You've got a whole day to get out of bed, idiot!


Actor got his name from a character.

He was once the captain of a famed luxury liner.

Byronic references forever barred after this film!

Goodbye Robert Taylor.

2 currently alive from "cast of thousands."

Afghans.

Later got bad "Marx."

A cozy ground floor flat

Death of common sense.

A famed rapper does not 'appear' in this film, yet does. Sort of.

Was not related to Paul.

Two mikes and a cliff appear, occasionally.

Portuguese man-of-war? Hardly.

"A tragic murder/ suicide"~ as if there is ever any other way of describing that event!

and the film of which I speak is? First prize is a home made CD of "Salty and Mattie's Greatest Hits" if you get it with no additional clues.
 

Jim Kalafus

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Dec 3, 2000
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QUEEN KELLY~ If you were wondering "if the Europa did not make her debut until 1930, and Von Stroheim was fired in 1929, then how did footage of her at sea end up in the film?"

My friend, Tim, who first brought this to my attention, also pointed out that the funnels were not the original low ones, making a 1930 date impossible as well.....

Well.....Queen Kelly was costly, and Swanson made references in her autobio to various efforts being made to salvage whatever they could from the rubble. The film clip was most likely 'patched in' at some point during one of the resurrection attempts, to serve as bridging footage between the scences set in the kingdom of King Wolfram and Queen Regina and the scenes set in Africa. Whether it was custom shot for the film, or stock footage, remains to be determined.
 
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>No....then it must be Agatha Christie's Secret Adversary, with Honor Blackman playing 'Rita,' and let us not forget darling Tuppence.

Correct! You get an imitation Hummel figurine with fiber optic angel wings, fountain and cheap-o sounding music player that plays... "Mammy!"

Tuppence is rather darling - and let's not forget Rita - a little ravishing even if she's in her late 40s in this.

Explanation of clues to come up - for those who are curious.
 
Jul 9, 2004
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Err - can it be Quo Vadis?!? What's the ship?

I don't think I've seen it all the way through, but I remember "A cast of thousands" as being part of a trailer for it - I think. I know that I keep hearing how wonderful a film it's supposed to be - but maybe it isn't?

And a Columbian anagram is Mobil Canu... Oil Can Bum... Malibu Con... Calmoboina.. a numb coil...
 
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>Second time around is always better.

The Secret Adversary was Agatha Christie's second book, which was preceeded by a story that the publisher sent back to her and told her that the last chapter was so riddled with errors in how court proceedings go that they wouldn't publish the book until the errors were corrected. At least that's what I've read. So apparently with The Secret Adversary they had no problem, thus the second time around was better.

>Presentable. Brainy. Silly.

PBS

>Life, liberty, and the pursuit of free food.

My favorite clue - but in the story Tuppence can't seem to get food off of the mind and she doesn't want to spend what little of her own mone on buying it. Such is the line goes (paraphrased) "An invitation to lunch usually means free food."

>Occasional bouts of multiple personality disorder.

Specifically two - one temporary the other long term. Annette - the girl on the Lusitania carrying the oil skin packet - wakes up after Rita and her bearded buddy clobber her and she (Annette/Jane Finn) babbles in French and takes on another personality. And then there's the bit where Tuppence goes through every personality that you could have seen in a silent picture (very funny, actually) and confuses the long-suffering lift-boy, Albert.

Those are the ones worth explaining, if you ask me.

(Another Columbian anagram is Cuban Limo...)
 

Jim Kalafus

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Dec 3, 2000
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>What's the ship?

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale.
A tale of a fatal trip
that started out in old New York
aboard a 'forewarned ship.

The skipper made a big mistake
and hove in towards the coast.
With little time to get away
the ma-jo-ri-ty were lost
(The ma-jo-ri-ty were lost)

Margaret Galligan,
the skipper, too.
A millionaire and his wife.
A movie star,
a professor
and The-o-date
Flound'ring off The Emerald Isle!

*****************************************

The male lead wasn't Michael Jackson. But later, he was.

A celebrated phone call, misdirected to the female lead.

When young, but no longer young, things took a tragic turn for the second male lead.

His ex wife was most famous for having two Dicks in her life. One was "let go" after being left too stiff to work by an injury; the other was proudly and openly gay.

Costar was branded, forever, Red.

Female lead escaped to a county FROM which most people try to escape.

She's not related to a famous horseman of yore, but co-starred opposite a 'starmaking' turn as a horsewoman.

One of many tales, from Manhattan and otherwise, released on film that year.

***************************************

And, sorry, the Salty and Mattie Greatest Hits CD offer is now null and void. However, a video of Carroll O'Connor SINGING "Take the A Train" with the Jackson 5~ the rarest of gems from my collection of horrendous music film clips- is available as second prize IF YOU DARE!
 
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I give up on that one Jim-but here's one right back at ya:
Life of Riley meets King Kong via Eugene O'Neill in a stokehold.

I had to SEE this one to believe it.