In defense of James Cameron's Titanic movie

***Carrie Fisher as Molly Brown?
Okay - as long as she still sports her Danish Pastry hair do from Star Wars..."the dark side is strong with you, Hitchens"***

No, no, she'd be saying "Quartermaster Hitchens. I recognized your foul stench..."
You two should be ashamed of yourselves. Mrs. Brown's gonna come back from the Grave and kick y'all butts for you. You don't mess with them Missouri Girls. Come to think on it Pearl White is from Missouri. I wonder if she knew Mrs. Brown or if they were friends.
Jason Isaacs as Thomas Andrews??
Maybe it can be done, but first the man needs many a comic or pleasant role first.
Sorry, I have him "forever associated with" the role of Lucius Malfoy, from the HARRY POTTER films. The same with Alan Rickman (no, I did not see him in SENSE & SENSIBILITY).
Of course, after our remake of A NIGHT TO REMEMBER we can do the ultimate parody of TITANIC, though that may still give people like "Suzie Richmond" ulcers until the time of the 300th Anniversary of the sinking.

Examples of scenes and plot developments we could recreate:
1. "ROSE" imagines "CAL" as part of her life, with a nightmare scenario of "You Spin Me Round": we'll do that by having me, Jason, Tarn, and Inger do a redux of the 1985 Dead Or Alive video, and our characters will be modified into those played by Billy Zane, Frances Fisher, David Warner, and Amy Gaipa ("TRUDY"), in character (reference - "You can find anything on YouTube" - Peter Burns does resemble Billy Zane with long hair somewhat).

The hearing of the words "I want your love", "All I know is that, to me, you look like you're having fun. Open up your loving arms! Watch Out Here I Come" and "I set my sights on you (And no one else will do)" really sends Kate racing to the stern;
2. At the dinner scene, Kathy Bates enters, and all the servers start crooning "Wellll, Helllo Molly! Yes, Helllo Molly! It's so nice to have you here, on board this ship....";
3. During the sinking, "Rose" goes with "JJ" to release the dogs from the kennel. One of the dogs is a beagle that puts on a flyer's cap and goggle, then jumps into the "Sopwith Camel" and heads over to the Carpathia, and leads the ship to the lifeboats (we can include an elephant from the Carpathia flap its oversized ears and join the beagle, in flight.
4. We're still working on having the scene of "Trudy" telling "Ruth" that her tea is ready: we need to decide on whether "Ruth" sits down with "Uncle Albert and Company", on the ceiling, or with "The Mad Hatter, March Hare, and Door Mouse", to celebrate "Ruth's" Un-Birthday, as well as
5. The stern scenes including the calypso band playing "In the Summertime"; and
6. Instead of a set of pictures, we'll show "ROSE" doing many of the various things hinted at, including some crazy motorcycle stunts, to which one mother looks absolutely horrified and "ROSE" replies, "It's okay, Mrs. Knievel. I doubt that Robert Craig would do anything like this" (Yes, I want to do a plug about Evel Knievel, RIP).

I will also work with "Jonas Klommer" about references to "ROSE" observing "JACK" and using some of the words from "You Spin Me Round", such as "If I get to know your name, then I can trace your private number, baby" and ""All I know is that, to me, you look like you're lots of fun. Open up your loving arms! I WANT SOME!!, WANT SOME!!"

After this, of course, I need to accompany Jason, Mark, Michael, Phil, and Shelley, as they wish me to help model "certain types of jackets" and try out "certain living quarters".

(Yes, this after providing them with "Plenty of Excedrin")
Great John!

I would love to play J.J. Astor on the final evening, politely titillating my fellow dinner companions with a rendition of the "Ascot Gavotte" from My Fair Lady, and "Twinkle Twinkle Little Bat" before heading to the Gymnasium and slashing life jackets (Jason Voorhees meets Billy Loomis style) to show my suddenly overly obese wife the terribly interesting tree bark, lichen, bugs and shrooms hidden therein.

After making sure that I have FINALLY gotten rid of my gold-digging child bride forever by placing her fat a$$ in a lifeboat, anyone who wishes could join me on deck in an absolutely MAD game of croquet ~ using my Airedale "Kitty" as a mallet. If you don't wish to play, you could at least make polite conversation.

Moving on down, as the ship begins it's final plunge, I will comfort the panicked masses by reading excerpts from the bejeweled copy of the Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam to strains of "It was sad when the great ship went down" - forget the Last Absolution by Father Byles!

In the end, John, when the wind changes, you and I can both be "lead off in chains, singing and scattering (suffragette) pamphlets all the way!" Votes for women!

(I hope that bottle of Excedrin is the super-sized one from Costco. I have a feeling it will be needed in quantity.)