Insert lines from other films into Cameron's Titanic

You guys are too funny. I'm still laughing. Some of you should get together and do a mini-version of the film or a portion of it and implement your lines.

I'm sure we can think of a way to merge Pirates of the Caribbean and the Titanic in a funny way....but no lines are coming to mind for me.
Hi Mark.

Actually, another perfect The Three Stooges dialogue can also be included, albeit a pre-iceberg scene; the dialogue is borrowed from one of the medieval storylines:
OFFICER DON LUNCH: The Captain requires your presence on the Bridge!!
CREWMEMBER JORGE BEEBEE (In Reply): We don't have any presents. The stores were all closed.
(followed by a head-slap and "Quiet!")
BTW, we could also intersperse show tunes in for various scenes.
One possibility: Leo and Kate are chatting, then we hear Gordon McRae and Shirley Jones:
LEO: "Chicks and ducks and geese are gonna scurry, when I take you out in my surry...."

or Kate is dubbed by Marni Nixon (we saw her in one film musical - she played a nun - and she dubbed for Audrey, Deborah, and I believe Mitzi Gaynor). Anyway
KATE (referring to Billy's CAL): "I'm gonna wash that man right out of my hair....".

Other possibilities: Leo invites Kate to join him at the 3rd Class Party:
LEO (sounding amazingly like Yul Brynner): "Shall we dance!!....".

Finally, we could see a despondent Frances Fisher apparently talking to a group of nuns:
Nuns: "How do you solve a problem like...
Frances: "My daughter?...
Nuns: "How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?
"How do you find a name which means...
Frances: "My daughter?..."

Yes, I know we will all now have the various Rogers and Hammerstein tunes going through our heads.
In the Real Party:
Rose stands on her tip toes and falls down.
Rose: Owww!!!
Jack: Are you alright? Maybe you should sit down in the corner over there.
Rose: Nobody puts baby in the corner!
Or...In the real party;

Rose: What? You think a first class girl can't drink?
Jack's eyes roll: You don't have to drink it, you have to snort it!!! Gawd how blonde can you get!
What about:

Lovejoy: Ruth never told you, what happened to your father?
Rose: She told me enough, she told me you killed him!
Lovejoy: No. I am... YOUR FATHER!!!!

Later on, when Jack dies:

In Southampton (the ship's doors open):
Captain Smith: Welcome to the Titanic!
(This line adapted from Jurassic Park.)

In the Lifeboat no. 6:
Molly Brown (to Hichens): I can hear you. We all can hear you. And those, who sank this ship (points towards the sinking Titanic), will hear all of us soon!
(Adapted from a speech by George W. Bush at the ruins of the World Trade Center, after 9/11.)

Rose (to Jack, 14 seconds before the collision): Jack, Jack, I love you, but we have only 14 seconds to save the ship!
(Adapted from Flash Gordon.)

Before Ismay leaves the Titanic in the lifeboat:
Captain Smith: After a deep and thorough thought, I have decided not to support this ship.
Ismay: So have I.
(This line adapted from Jurassic Park.)

After Rose finished complaining to Jack about her life, and he has fallen asleep:
Rose: I see you were stimulated by my little talk, Mr. Dawson.
Jack: Did I snore?
Rose: No, not that I noticed. Nice of you to ask, though.
(This was adapted from a dialogue from The Ninth Gate.)

On the Californian:
Stone: I certainly can't imagine him sending Morse chit-chat, trying to save that boat.
Groves: A ship. The Morse lamp is designed to save ships, Mr. Stone.
(This was adapted from a dialogue from The Ninth Gate.)

On the Boat Deck, just after the ship struck an iceberg:
Rose approaches Captain Smith.
Captain Smith: So it was you. You did it.
(Adapted from the Japanese horror movie Ring (1998).)

After Murdoch throws Cal's bribe back at Cal:
Cal: I want a place in a boat. I WANT A PLACE, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
Jack comes.
Jack: No need to scream, Mr. Hockley. I'll make sure you are saved.
Cal: Really?
Jack: Yes, but not to follow your orders, but in order, to make you answer for what you have done in front of the inquiry. Please. Please!
(This scene is adapted from Titanic (1943).)

When Rose is introducing Jack the First Class passengers:
Rose: And this is Caledon Hockley. He's worth two to four... years in jail.
(This scene is adapted from Titanic (1943).)

After the collision:
Captain Smith: I have bad news for you. The Titanic is sinking. The Titanic is sinking!
Ismay: Please, get me a seat in a lifeboat. I can pay. How much do you want?
Captain Smith: I'm sorry. I'm not bribable.
(Adapted from Titanic (1943) again.)

At the Grand Staircase:
Ruth: Will you tell me the truth, Mr. Andrews?
Andrews: Yes, of course. The Titanic is sinking.
Ruth gasps.
Andrews: The only person who could have prevented this, was you. Only you have the power to convince Ismay. But now it's too late.
Ruth: But the sea is calm, we'll just get everyone in the boats.
Andrews: There are two thousand people on board, and the lifeboats only have space for a thousand. Do you understand?
Ruth gasps, scaredly.
Ruth: Yes, I understand.
(This scene is adapted from Titanic (1943).)

When Captain Smith tells Philips and Bride to send the distress call:
Philips: Please make a statement to the Marconi company for the damage.
Captain Smith: Call for help!
(Adapted from the Japanese horror movie Ring: Kanzenban (1995).)

Just before the tour of the ship with Andrews, Ruth & Co.:
Murdoch: There are numerous ice reports.
Ismay: What measures have you taken?
Murdoch: I've changed course, and reduced speed.
Ismay: But why? We're certainly going to see an iceberg in time.
Murdoch: Not really. The icebergs can be meters or kilometers wide, and 7/8 of an iceberg is under the water. There's the danger, that we hit the under-water mass.
Ismay: Danger for the Titanic? That's impossible, the Titanic is unsinkable.
Murdoch: There hasn't been any proof of that yet, Mr. Ismay.
(This scene is adapted from Titanic (1943).)

After that little talk between Ismay and Captain Smith in the First Class reception room:
Captain Smith: I know you need a good story to get back onto the first place among the ship-builders, but any way you look at this, it doesn't hold.
Ismay: I won't cause you any problems, sir. I'm going to take care of it on my own.
(Adapted from the Japanese horror movie Ring: Kanzenban (1995).)

In the beginning:
Brock Lovett: Prepare the champagne.
Lewis Bodine: Sure, I just need to get the wormie on the hookie first.
(Adapted from Raise the Titanic (1980).)

After Gun chase:
Cal: Why should you two be saved?
(Adapted from the Japanese horror movie Ring 2 (1999).)

This would be all for now. ;)
MOODY (Responding to FLEET'S report of the iceberg ahead, looks at MURDOCH): What'er you waiting for, kick her in the guts! MURDOCH (Looking ahead, calmly squeezes fingers together as he turns to MOODY): Between us and the iceberg, not enough sea room. Adapted from 'Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome'.
As Titanic strikes iceberg:
Murdoch: "Did we hit it ?"
Moody: "No. It hit us." (From "Titanic" (1953))
Murdoch: "Sorry about that,Mr. Moody. I never was very good at parallel parking. I always hit the kerb." (English spelling, of course)
RUTH: (Tightening Rose's corset strings) It doesn't matter what you think- after all, you're retarded.

ROSE: I am NOT retarded!

RUTH: You most certainly are. We took you to the doctor: he told you so himself.
ROSE: I dont remember that!
RUTH: Of course you don't- because you're retarded.

(Female Troubles.)
Jim you mean John Water's masterpiece of hilarity.

I got troubles
Female Troubles troubles.

Who could forget Dawn Davenport telling her daughter Taffy that she's retarded. Actually when my daughters going though her snotty teen phase I'm gonna use that on her. Help level her out. Who could forget the black market adoption ring. No Wait that's Pink Flamingo's
RUTH (Explaining the circumstances of Rose's engagement, to the Countess of Rothes): It was a JOKE. I didn't think anyone would be stupid enough to actually BUY that sour faced little ditch-rat.
(In the Verandah Cafe, BEFORE the exchange with Ismay, the ice warning, etc)
~Absolutely Fabulous.

ANDREWS (Looks pointedly at Rose) And they say that even the 20th Century Limited would look tiny if they ran it into the Grand Canyon.

A riposte to Rose's not particularly clever Freud reference. Adapted from innumerable Porky's-type movie references)


JACK: Like a frightened turtle.

(Jack explains yet ANOTHER horroid effect of having to dive from the stern of the Titanic into icy water to save a suicidal idiot. From the famed "Shrinkage" episode of Seinfeld)
...---... ...---... ...---... ...---...

JACK: (To Cal, at dinner) Rose....she makes me....happy.
CAL: (Disbelievingly) And, in your culture, happiness means....?


RUTH (eyeing the not exactly svelte Rose): Go ahead. Fatten upon the Filet Mignon Lili. Good luck running for the hills when they come after you with the dogs.

(Both lines from Malcolm in the Middle)


RUTH (Yanking corset strings) They haven't grown a forest deep enough yet to produce the kind of man who'd be willing to marry you without being paid a dowry, Rose.

JACK: (To Rose- in the back of the Renault, post cheap sex) What're you thinking about?
ROSE: Did anyone ever tell you you look like the Keebler Elf?

ROSE (To Jack, regarding his ghastly charcoals) Look, buddy, let me tell you one more time. It's $50 an hour, and they have to be "art shots."

(Married With Children)
Phillips: (Sending) -.-. --.- -..

Bride: "Have you been reading all these previous postings ? ...Why don't you try sending the new SOS Distress Call ?"

Phillips: (Sending frantically) ... --- ...
-.. . -- --. -.-- ..... ..- .-. .-. -.--

RUTH (eyeing the not exactly svelte Rose): Go ahead. Fatten upon the Filet Mignon Lili. Good luck running for the hills when they come after you with the dogs.

(Both lines from Malcolm in the Middle)<<

Still later:

Ruth: What in the world have you been doing, Rose ? You've put on a few more pounds ! Where have you been ?

Rose: Mother, I was just visiting with the Vicar of Dibley. We just had a few chocolates....
Captain Smith (To Officers): Men...We've got trouble, trouble, trouble, right here in the middle of the Atlantic and it starts with T and it rhymes with Titanic........ (Adapted from "The Music Man")