Murder Before Ice


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Feb 6, 2005
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Im currently writting a little fanfiction that involves the Clue characters with the Titanic, I called it "Murder before ice I will post the first and second chapter today, but there are still quite a few chapters left

Murder Before Ice

Chapter One
The Night Before
Tuesday, April 9, 1912

The ocean filled with bodies dying, freezing in the cold dark water and to be never head of again… Some still breathing….with cold chattering purple sickly lips….the end is near…a waltz floats across the still water…In the horizon is a brightly lit ship slowly rumbling as it glides softly to the bottom of the ocean depths…Inside water rapidly pours inside the doomed beautiful liner….. Water glides blissfully across a luxury suite as the beautiful interiors slowly melt away in the sea…a body dressed in a rust coloured robe floats face down in the cold water as it moves from the suite to the ocean …deep...deeper....deeper…..down….drowning…..drowning…cold…dead.


“AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!” screamed the man in the middle of the night, in a sudden fright!
The hotel maid hearing him quickly rushed to his room.
“Oh Monsieur Rusk!” cried the maid, “What seems to be the matter!”
“I-I had a nightmare madam, a-a bad one of that.” panted M. Rusk. Sweat poured down his forehead.
“Perhaps some hot lemon tea would help you,” Suggested the maid with a soothing look on her face. “Besides you better get some sleep monsieur, if you are sailing on the Titanic. She will be leaving on good time tomorrow.
“Oui madam, please fetch me some tea at once,” Ordered M. Rusk.
“Very good sir” the maid quickly left.
M. Rusk sat upright in his bed he then thought to himself, ‘How could I get rid of this dream! This damn dream will never let me sleep. This isn’t the first time I had it either. Maybe the lemon tea will help. I should never have left France. I should of never come down to England. The Titanic would have been stopping in France anyway. I should have stayed put where I was. I better try and get some rest’
He slowly backed down on his feathered pillow and closed his eyes.

* * * * *

The maid quickly turned the corner of the long narrow corridor of the hotel when suddenly bumped into a woman dressed in a maid’s uniform unidentical to the hotel maid uniform carrying a large brass candlestick that was lit. “Pardon me lass” said the maid in a heavy Scottish accent.
“I’m Mrs. Myra White personal maid to Mrs. Emily Peacock of the Peacock estates; I’ve just come down to fetch her a glass of brandy.
“I’m Miss Katie Coffin, one of the many maids of the Bronzeworth Hotel. Perhaps I can get the brandy for you, as I was fetching Monsieur Roberto Rusk a cup of tea.
“Monsieur Roberto Rusk!?” exclaimed Mrs. White, “didn’t his name use to be Monsieur Roberto Rouille?
“I do not know that madam, but I do know that Rusk is not his real last name” said Miss Coffin, now if you please, I need to get the tea, but I will fetch Mrs. Peacock her brandy as well, good night mum”
Miss Coffin continued down the corridor leaving Mrs. White in her thoughts, Roberto, Roberto, I believe I must of nannied him when he was just a wee lad…..

* * * * *




Chapter Two
Bon Voyage!
Wednesday, April 10, 1912


“Goodness isn’t it large!” Mrs. Peacock exclaimed as she gazed her eyes upon the large mound of steel that was the Titanic.
And quite a ship it was! With its 9 decks it had a large black steel hull with a white superstructure where all the first class rooms were, a brownish-red keel, two masts and four tawny black-capped smoke stacks that stood like four massive Gods upon the great ship that could only of been Titanic. It also included a gymnasium, a swimming pool, elevators, Marconi wireless room, and a Turkish bath.
“Yes it’s amazement” said Col. Algernon Mustard in an unexcited tone.
“Oh Algernon stop being such a stick in the mud,” Fumed Peacock, “You should be excited to going on the Titanic, besides it will be only two weeks before we get engaged in New York!”
“Sorry Emily, It just I’d feel very insecure and out of place being with the crí¨me de la crí¨me of society!”
Protested the Colonel,
“Everyone knows that I’m became flat broke after that bloody Boer War that I had to fight in, I might of did my duty as a good officer but I lost everything, and if it hadn’t been for you I would of only been able to afford a middle class ticket, and now I will be around such names as John Jacob Astor, Catherine Scarlet, Benjamin Guggenheim, Mr. Strauss, the whole bloody usual suspects!”
“Oh come now Algie” chattered Mrs. Peacock, “No one will know the difference!
Besides how bad is it for you? You’re a strong man! Hold you’re your head up high and be brave my dear”
“Ah Emily I see why we are made for each other,” said Col. Mustard and a cheerier tone,” You’re ten times more sympathetic than society today.”

“Of course I am very sympathetic aren’t I?” giggled Peacock who then turned to Mrs. White. “Come along Myra, hurry it up with the luggage, we don’t have all day!”

* * * * *

“Sir may I kindly take your baggage?” asked an eager young porter.
“Oui Garcon,” replied M. Rusk jauntily, “and would it be too much trouble for you to carry my friend, Sgt. Olive’s baggage?”
“No sir, I think I can manage”
“Heehee, nice young lads running about here and there, hmmm, do you think I’ll encounter any good cases to solve onboard?” said Sgt. Spicier Olive, as they walked up the gang plank toward the Titanic
“Non, mon amiee, not likely, I hear it will be a smooth voyage all the way,” reassured M. Rusk.
They both then stepped into the magnificent ship onto the lush warm red carpet, and after handing in their tickets, they both proceeded to the Reception room where there was beautiful wicker furniture, and the carved grand staircase with a candelabrum in the center.

* * * * *

The whistles blared a loud final Farwell from England. The Titanic was setting sail. The crowds cheered and the band played “Britannia Rules the Waves.”

Peacock and Mustard stepped out onto the 1st class promenade to wave to the crowd. Slowly the engines started as the three gigantic propellers started to turn, faster and faster. The Titanic began to move out from the docks when suddenly….

SNAP!!!!

The mooring lines of a fellow ship the ‘New York’ snapped from the strength of the Titanic. The stern began to back into the Titanic’s stern…

A young seventeen year old Jack Thayer and his father, as well as several others held their breath with anxiety.
Will it be a close call?
Or will the New York be crippled?
Luckily a tugboat came just in the nick of time and pulled the Titanic away from the stern of the New York.
“Boy that was a close shave wasn’t it?” said Jack Thayer with a sigh of relief.
He quickly then realized that his father had walk away and in is his place was Col. Mustard
“Yes it was lad,” Replied Col. Mustard, “but terribly unlucky, one would call that a bad omen even….”

Five days on the Titanic, five days for a good price,
Sleep, dine, in comfort at sea, but in five days comes the ice…..



Please leave comments
 
Aug 15, 2005
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Darwen, United Kingdom
I'll comment... I've already sent you a private mail, but I didn't say this in it - it's crap.
There's nothing gripping; when I read the first two lines I was bored sh*tless.
Where's the similes and metaphors? The alliteration and assonance? The correct English? The ORIGINAL CHARACTERS?
By the way, how old are you? It looks like a kid has written that. How long have you been working on it?
No offence, but if I were you, I'd stick to the day job.
To be honest, mine was crap when I first wrote it. Then my computer ate it.
So I started again, and it was better... but still crap. So I put plenty of effort in.
Now, it's brilliant!
I suggest wiping everything and starting afresh... Keep the pictures, though; they aren't too bad.
Regards, Ryan McKeefery.
PS No offence.
 

Ernie Luck

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Nov 24, 2004
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Ryan, that's a bit unkind - he is only 12 years old. I think his art work is good. I'm not certain I like your "colourful" language
 
Jun 4, 2000
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Hello Ryan. As per Ernie's comment, yes - 'a kid' did write that. And good luck to him, quite frankly.

There's nothing wrong with proofing for spelling, grammar and punctuation. There's also nothing wrong with rewriting to improve the plot line, story telling and characterisation. All can be put in constructive terms rather than cutting people off at the knees.
happy.gif


Matthew, do consider those suggestions and don't give up on your writing. If every writer I know gave up on the first criticism received, then there'd be a lot of wonderful books that didn't exist.
happy.gif


Cheers.
 
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Bob Godfrey

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Ryan, if your own stories are as good as your attempt here to communicate advice and encouragement to a child, it might be back to the drawing board for you, too.

PS No offence.
 
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Aug 15, 2005
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He's 12?! Sorry kid, I thought you were about 30 or something... I really am sorry if I have put you off. I feel really bad now. But listen to what Fiona said - she's right.
I got all sorts of criticisms like that, and worse - from my family!
I really am sorry if I put you down, but if you're as stubborn as me, you'll pull through OK just to prove your critics wrong.
Now, I really want to help you, so call on me for anything you like - any pieces of descriptive writing or onomatopoeia.
Just send a mail, and again, I express my sincerest apologies. I still think you need to change your characters, though, so I'll help you with that if you like.
Regards, Ryan.
 

Kyrila Scully

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Apr 15, 2001
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Matthew, if you'd like some help with your writing, I'd be happy to help you. We don't really have a place for fan fiction on ET, but I can see if there is a place for it. I know some other websites that do promote fan fiction about Titanic.

Ryan, a hard lesson to learn (I've made the mistake myself) is to read people's profiles or introductions before posting.

Kind regards,
Kyrila Scully
aka Titanic Mom
 
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Aug 15, 2005
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Hey, Matt. Hope you're not miffed at me, as I feel obliged to help you with your story.
You've probably already written your ending, but I have thought up a twist (not the best, but you can build on it; the ending of mine had a nice twist when I first wrote it, but it wasn't so good - it is now that I have had the chance to build on it) for the end of your story. I will write a brief synopsis of it for you and mail it to you personally.
Again, I apologise sincerely for my uncouth and thoughtless earlier post.
Fondest wishes, Ryan.
 
Feb 6, 2005
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Nah none offence taken Ryan, I dont think its crap, But its okay with the offer of helping me. Im only doing this for fun, its nots supposed to be proffesional, cuse if it was, what fun would that be?, Ive been kinda laging on continuning when I have some time Ill continue. Thanks for all the nice comments everone else!
 

Pam Kennedy

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Oct 24, 2005
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Hi, Matt ... I'm new on the board, and just read the first part of your story. I think you have a lot of talent -- both as a writer and an artist. I really liked your first paragraph : it delivers quite a punch and is very creative. I would never have guessed that someone just 12 years old had written it.

Matt, I'm a pretty old crow and a writer, too. I started writing when I was your age -- or maybe even younger! (It was so long ago, I can't even remember anymore!
queasy.gif
) People have probably told you that the way to learn to write is to write. This is true! I have written many stories over the years, just for myself and to practice. The more you write, the better you'll get until someday, you're a published novelist.

I think that writing dialogue is the hardest. Listen carefully to what people say and how they say it. Writers tend to be eavesdroppers, because they listen to other people's conversations to hear how they talk. This helps you to smooth your dialogue and make it sound real. As you do this -- and as you get older with more experience, dialogue will be easier to write. I see that Ryan is helping you with some things -- I'd be glad to help you with your dialogue, if you would like.

Write on!!!!
 
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