Social Graces Custom & Etiquette

The topic truly deserves its own thread as so many aspects present themselves for discussion: dress, home decor, visiting etiquette, burial observances, gravestones and cemeteries, etc. As many Edwardian customs found origin in Victorian times, some background would seem in order. Who can forget UPSTAIRS DOWNSTAIRS episodes of Lady Marjorie's death aboard Titanic- or the many photographs of victim funerals? Not to hold forth ad nauseum here- and it IS one of my favorite interests- maybe just a few lines to start. I just attended the most fascinating lecture in New Bedford-given by a charming lady in 1865 second mourning- or "relieved black" which is to say no face veil, some jewelry and shiney black ribbon trim. Needless to say there has always been some show of respect for the deadbut Queen Victoria surely brought mourning to state of the art-and continued to "enjoy" it for over 40 years after Albert's untimely demise. The Civil War made it necessary to embalm bodies in order to ship them home. A man named Dr. Holmes is credited with invention of the process and teaching the method in the Civil War battlefields. One recalls the cable ships, loaded with ice, caskets and supplies leaving Halifax to recover Titanic victims. Perhaps for this posting, dress might be considered. Men, having to provide for families after a funeral, wore armbands of black crape or hatbands. Suits were already dark-and they did have to go back to their offices and carry on so mourning dress did not take on the elaborate rituals of women's clothing. Children wore white. Ladies were "laid out" in negligee peignoirs most usually- men in suits. Early on in the century, shrouds were the order of the day and precious clothing was left to relatives. I recall Mrs.Smith's black bordered mourning notepaper. The width of the black band indicated the depth of the mourning on handkerchieves also. Poorer women often dyed their clothes- unfortunately the quality of dye often caused problems when items got wet- bleeding and running. Some veiling and millinery which used mercury and other toxic materials were actually dangerous to the wearer! Mourning for a husband lasted 2 years-deep mourning about 6months and by the second year, grey or lavender might be seen. Wives wore the same mourning for their husband's kin as for their own. Mourning provided a shield against thoughtless intrusion-and an acceptable excuse for retiring from public social demands. If one was not TRULY sorry about the demise- then it gave the IMPRESSION one was!
A year was about right for other family members, and 3months for a child. Out of the funeral garment demand came the popularity of jet jewelry- the most famous jet coming from Whitby, North Yorkshire (I collect this with a passion)- it is petrified acacia tree which is dug out of the seacliffs and sand, lightweight and easy to carve. The tight corseting and heavy clothing of the mid- to late 19th century often caused women to gasp for breath and swoon- which was often misconstrued for emotion- which was ALWAYS in BAD taste. Ladiesfrequently stayed at home from funerals and were excused due to the risk of being seen to be undignified in public and out of control. Who CAN forget Jackie Kennedy's magnificent composure!! The 60's were the last hurrah for solemnity and taste in funeral ritual.
Well- enough for now- needless to say- as 1912 approached, some severity was lifted, certainly the corseting and swooning-but black, and a set period of mourning was still observed.
 
Splendid! Highgate!! Now home of Elizabeth Siddal and the family she married into (although while Christine and assorted other Rossettis are there, Dante Gabriele opted for another location). I was disappointed when doing the tour a little while back that they don't include these graves in the tour. Who could forget the descriptions of poor Lizzie's disinterment in order to retrieve the book of original poetry that Gabriele had buried with her. Complete with later embellisments, including the miraculous preservation of the corpse and the golden hair 'undim'd in death' which was said to have filled the coffin? Have some splendid photos of the eerie autumn day I visited, complete with drizzling rain, standing in the Egyptian section or by dank crypts with the overgrowth still running riot. Need to join 'Friends of Highgate' one day.

I was watching a programme the other day on the East End, with a focus on immigrants who had started their businesses there. One was the descendent of a dressmaker who, upon recieving word of Victoria's death, stayed up all night dying every dress and piece of material she had in the shop black. The next day, as the trappings of mourning sold out all over London, she hiked up the prices and made a fortune.

Wasn't Lincoln wearing a mourning band for his son William when he visited the battlefield of Antietam? I seem to recall it showing up in the photos.

Now, what about the symbolism of Victorian/Edwardian funeral sculpture? Clinging ivy...broken columns...it all has significance.
 
Victorian funerary sculpture IS an all-consuming passion! Check out these sites for a partial listing:


ceme4.jpg
 
Edwardian Timeline (courtesy of City of the Silent site)
1900 Massachusetts School of Embalming established
1901 Lincoln's remains exhumed a resealed in concrete
1901 Flowers for Queen Victoria's funeral costs exceed 80,000 pounds!
1905 Naval hero John Paul Jones' body was located in a lost Paris cemetery called St. Louis and removed to the Naval Academy Annapolis (how WELL I know that crypt!)
1906 Arsenic and heavy metals barred as embalming agents due to autopsy confusion!
1910 Sir Bernard Spilsbury finds the headless limbless torso of poor Cora Crippen- Crippen, thanks to wireless- was captured by the Capt. of the Montrose
1910 First motorized hearses
1913 Cremation Society founded
1914 Animal Rights Society successfully banned black plumes on hearse horses' heads.
 
Shelley-

Thank you so much for the above information...and the more that will hopefully come!

One Mourning practice, that I think has gone unfortunatly by the wayside, is the practice of placing a black wreath on front doors. To let potential sellers and soliciters know "Don't bother us!" Of course, most door-to-door activivity is now utilised by phone. From personal expierience, I can say I wish there was a "back wreath" for phone lines!

Again- wonderful and educating,

Yours-
Kris
 
Good links there, Shelley - Ta. As you've brought up the subject of mourning jewelry, would you have any links on the subject (says the lazy sod who hasn't done a search on it)? Thinking of those locks of hair incorporated pieces of jewelry with the black denoting mourning that one sometimes comes across in antique shops.

And is it urban myth or not that some wax baby dolls (always regarded slightly uneasily) were modelled after lost children?
 
Wax hands were not unusual, death masks a little rarer and mostly for famous people- Abraham Lincoln had hands and face cast. Hair jewelry was the rage from 1860-1890's. I saw some family HAIR trees at that lecture (CREEPY) and numerous hair flowers under glass. Silk and wax flowers from the casket are oft seen- pride of place in the parlour! You will REVEL in this museum slide show exhibt at this link:
http://www.mourningmuseum.com/
or
http://www.hairworksociety.org/
The hairwork craze had ebbed greatly by Titanic times although many old Victorians still around,pinned for those souvenirs.
 
Casket-not coffin was the preferred word. Casket was the place where one kept one's precious jewels after all. In the above museum link you will see an item called a "tear catcher"- used to gather- you guessed it- the liquid renderings of grief! Filigree jewelry to contain cre- mains
(cremated remains) are STILL available. Picture this- shall I wear granny or grampy tonight with my ballgown???
 
On a related note, I remember that when I was a child, it was expected that people would wear black or some other suitably somber color to a funeral. Nowadays, I see people wearing all sorts of colors to funerals, even red. I'm normally not all that conservative, but I just can't get used to people wearing bright colors at a funeral.

Someone above mentioned children wearing white, and I do remember the Kennedy children wearing white at Robert Kennedy's funeral; I believe they wore powder blue at President Kennedy's funeral.

My mother died in 1971, when I was 13, and I remember being told that I wasn't "old enough" to wear black to the funeral, but that I was old enough not to have to wear children's white. There was a compromise, and I ended up wearing a very dark green dress with black shoes to my mother's funeral.
 
something I recall my nan telling me about funerals when she was a child was that all the neighbours kept their curtains closed out of respect for the bereaved family. I don't see this very often now but when she died a few years ago all her neighbours did for her. Emma
 
Funeral customs and decorum have changed quite a bit over the past century, and not always for the better. I served on the funeral detail for three months when stationed at RTC/NTC San Diego and saw quite a bit. Perhaps the most outragous thing we saw was an affair where a young sailor was being laid to rest. What his widow was wearing didn't leave much to the imagination. We figured she would probably have been better dressed with nothing on at all!

A little later on as the graveside service progessed, we found out that this was in fact uncomfortably close to the truth when we realized she had no underwear on beneath that short skirt. Said fact revealed when she was observed sitting down!

Talk about Merry Widows!

Cordially,
Michael H. Standart
 
Boggle goes the mind over those hair links! I had imagined that there would be a few collectors out there, but it seems to have a very thriving community of those who find these items highly collectable. There's no doubt that the artistry that goes into some of these creations is remarkable...but goodness, don't tastes change? (says she who has locks of mane from two of her - very much still alive - horses in a trinket box at home, and who wept when she removed the last of the very sheddable hair of a recently deceased pet that had found its way onto a black wool dress).
 
Tonight let us ponder the home decor aspect- I feel like a version of Martha Stewart 1890's style! My gran- herself an old Victorian, spoke of veiling the pictures, especially mirrors at time of death. A black ribboned wreath was hung on the door to let the public and door-to-door tradesmen know the sad state within. Sometimes the doorbells and chiming clocks were muffled. Indeed in some cases- even the child's DOLLS were dressed in black. No frivolities and entertainments were allowed. Visitors were only family and the most intimate of friends. All of this was to be observed in the Titanic era. Simple meals were served- often the womenfolk kept to their rooms and "retired" with tea trays- tea laced with plenty of sugar-good for the "shock". As mentioned earlier, photography evolved to a point during the Civil War that photos were usually made of dead babies and even children and adults. Sometimes it is hard not to believe they are just asleep. Babies were buried and photographed in long christening gown style clothing. I had an opportunity to inspect a funeral parlor's casket trims made by a North Attelboro Massachusetts jewelry company- mottos like "Our Darling", "Asleep in Jesus", "Beloved Wife", and other heart-rending sentiments worked in gold or silver, sheaves of wheat(symbolizing being harvested in one's prime), lambs, hearts, weeping willows, along with finials, fancy handles, etc. Many coffins of the 1860-1900 were wooden -covered with black cloth and were of the European "Dracula" type. Who can forget those searing images of the Lusitania dead- the mothers clutching cold babies- pitiful beyond comprehension. The type of coffin is that described above. Many years ago- before there was an Irish Titanic Society- Ed Coughlin and I tried to do something about the sorry state of the Lusitania cemetery- Ed did good work there- Cunard had left a sum for upkeep. I understand that at long last it is tidied up. Well- we have digressed from home decor! Yes- shuttering the windows and drawing the curtains was a visible sign of grieving within for the departed. Whilst the family was at the funeral, kind friends would gently remove the door wreath and lighten the gloom before the funeral cortege returned home. My gran also told me that the clock would be stopped at the hour and moment of the last breath- and restarted after the burial. Yes- today's drive-through funerals (I am NOT kidding), short dresses and vulgar displays of bad flowers are an abomination-have we become de-sensitized?
 
Back
Top