When dining aboard a ship, I may have to re-consider this, and use your suggestion. As silly as it sounds, very few ship's orchestras have that greatest of all tuba pieces, "Asleep in the Deep," in their repertoires. Can't think why.
The pie & mash shop is sadly missed, Mon, but now there's a snacks stand in a car park close to my house where you can get a real gourmet treat - a bacon baguette which, with a paper mug of tea and a couple of Woodbines, still leaves ample change from a fiver. Something for you to look forward to when you visit - and I'll pay. There ya go. Stated in front of witnesses.
Love this thread, laughed until I cried.
There's references of farting in history. Rostron himself once referenced rude health in his autobio. It was a passing mention but you know what he meant.
Speaking of which, my aunt is a tuba player. I could throw dinner parties and have her play while masking my... problem completely!
Anyway, the Pujol youtube video was great. There's a person called Queen of the Burps who can do for her stomach what Pujol did for his rear.