Titanic 1997 Mystery Science Theater style

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Daryl C Carpenter

A few days ago, I stumbled across this bizarre, laughing-so-hard-tea rs-are-pouring-from- my-eyes spoof of 1997's Titanic. In case you didn't know, Mystery Science Theater 3000 was this TV show from a while back in which, too put it lightly, bad movies were ripped to shreds. They went off the air in 1999, too bad really. Unfortunately, he's tearing apart the movie's script, and not the movie itself, but still, it's hysterical!
http://www.geocities .com/kramsey20/titan ic.txt
ANDREWS: Why are they lowering the lifeboats half full?
CROW: Because they're optimists, sir.
Hi Daryl,

YIKES! I'm also a MST fan, but I had a hard time with this. I enjoy watching them rip a movie to shreds..when it's one that deserves ripping up. I can't speak for everyone here, but I somehow don't think it would go over to well, but.."Thank you for that fine forensic analysis" of the script... you just can't top Mr. Bodine's comment of "Somebody left the water running". I noticed that they didn't even really get the script right. Glad you offered it up to our ET chopping block though! :eek:) I smiled a time or two, but after the first few script errors & the anniversary of the tragedy still fresh in my mind, I just couldn't go on. Just my thoughts here. If they ever do get back on the air, I'd like to see them stick with the old, droll movies.
Not that it was ever a "must see" on my list, but made me laugh when I ran across it.

That was funny. I almost spilled my coffe while reading it because I was laughing so loud. But by the midpoint of the script I admit, I was ready for it to be done. I like MST3K, and I liked this read, but MAN is it a long one.

Thanks for the link.


Daryl C Carpenter

If you're going to read the whole thing, here's a sample:
Andrews unrolls a big drawing of the ship across the chartroom table. It is a side elevation,
showing all the watertight bulkheads. His hands are shaking. Murdoch and Ismay hover behind
Andrews and the Captain.
TOM and MIKE: *Murdoch and Ismay, eerie* Are you the Keymaster?…
When can we get underway, do you think?
Smith glares at him and turns his attention to Andrews' drawing.
CROW: Which, for some reason is completely in crayon.
The builder points to it for emphasis as he talks.
Water 14 feet above the keel in ten minutes... in the forepeak... in all three holds... and in boiler
room six.
MIKE: *ANDREWS* We'll run a standard audible. Ismay, you fake right, Smith, you go for a
button-hook pass into the end-zone.
That's right.
TOM: *SMITH* You get a cookie.
Five compartments. She can stay afloat with the first four compartments breached.
MIKE: Oh great, more musings from Mr. I-Know-More-Than-You -About-This-Damn-Boa t.
But not five.
CROW: Now the men...
Not five.
MIKE: Now just the ladies…
As she goes down by the head the water will spill over the tops of the bulkheads... at E Deck...
from one to the next... back and back. There's no stopping it.
CROW: So now he thinks he's Scotty.
TOM: *Scotty* Ah canna keep 'er afloat much longer, Captain! Ah' don't have the powerrrrrr!
The pumps--
MIKE: Fit him so well for a man of his girth.
The pumps buy you time... but minutes only. From this moment, no matter what we do, Titanic
will founder.
TOM: *SMITH* I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition.
But this ship can't sink!
She is made of iron, sir. I assure you, she can. And she will. It is a mathematical certainty.
MIKE: I can imagine Ismay paling out the water long after the ship's sunk to the bottom.
Smith looks like he has been gutpunched.
How much time?
An hour, two at most.
CROW: *Ferris Bueller* This is where Ismay freaks out.
Ismay reels as his dream turns into his worst nightmare.
TOM: So he's trapped in an elevator that plays nothing but Starland Vocal Band songs?
And how many aboard, Mr. Murdoch?
Two thousand two hundred souls aboard, sir.
MIKE: *MURDOCH* And not a single shoe fits.
CROW: An obvious joke, but a crucial one.
MIKE: Preach it, Brother Crow.
A long beat. Smith turns to his employer.
TOM: *SMITH* I would like to take this opportunity to inform you, sir, that you suck.
I believe you may get your headlines, Mr. Ismay.
CROW: See ship.
MIKE: See ship sink.
TOM: Sink, ship, sink.
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