TV One Liners

[Don Tweed]

This may be kind of vague but, how many of you can remember one liners about Titanic from T.V. shows?
I know there must be hundreds, if not thousands, and I can remember a few.
My favorite is from an episode of MASH.
Col.Flagg, love that idiot, is visiting and so is another "spy", a friend of B.J.'s. The other spy says he is an engineer and states to Frank that the Army has been considering making MASH units amphibious as well as mobile. Frank says he has had that same idea and the whole place should be put on pontoons and takin' to sea!!!
Of course Hawkeye chirps in, "Great idea!!! We'll call it the Titanic!!!
Any others you all can think of?
_Don

 

[David F. Smith]

Hi Don! ROFLOL! The best part about that scene you mentioned is that I can picture (and hear) those characters saying that! LOL. Thanks, I needed a good laugh today!
Dave

 

[John Clifford]

Actually, Don, I remember a whole bunch of one-liners, from sitcoms.

Actually, that episode of MASH was the first time Colonel Flagg was introduced. It was a friend of Trapper John who was also featured as another CIA operative (both men tried to outsmart the other, and were outsmarted by Hawkeye and Trapper John).

In a later episode, the thankless job of Charity Officer is traded from one character to another, and finally back to Charles Winchester (Colonel Potter stated that it's best to solicit donations on payday, when people are more willing to give, something Winchester forgot) , whose responsibility it originally was.
At the end, Winchester decides to cover the camp's allotment, stating "Raising money from this group is about as easy as raising the Titanic with tweezers".

There are a few other sitcom lines I remember; will have to share them with you.

 

[John Clifford]

Other one-liners, shared to me, on another discussion forum: I never saw, nor remembered, these lines, or the episodes in which they were featured.

"ALL IN THE FAMILY":
EDITH: "Should I put the ice back in the freezer?"

ARCHIE: "No, leave it outside and wait for the Titanic to come by".

"CHEERS":
CARLA or DIANE: "That old man over there says he was on the Titanic!!"

COACH: "Oh, Did he survive"?

Yes, there are a couple that I thought were much funnier.

 

[John Clifford]

More memorable one-liners: The laught track, of course, comes on, as these were used to finish up a series of dialogue:

1. "THE MUNSTERS"
Plot: Grandpa is looking for a divining rod in his old chest. However, he first pulls out:
a. "A lucky rabbits foot from General Custer";
b. "A Mother's Day Card from Lizzie Borden";
c. "A compass off the TITANIC"....

On another episode, of that series, Lilly is telling either Marilyn or Eddie that "we were all set to sail on the TITANIC. However, at the last minute, Herman was unable to get time off from work".

2. "THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY"
Plot: Shirley's parents are visiting, and fighting:
FATHER: "Every time you make a decision, it's always the wrong one"!!

MOTHER: "You're right! I shouldn't have cancelled those two tickets on the TITANIC"!!

3. "BEWITCHED":
Plot: Endora barges in, after interrupting a romantic moment between Darren and Samantha, with the comment "I am getting sick to my stomach". She then wants to know what it's all about.
SAMANTHA: "We were celebrating the anniversary of our first kiss".

ENDORA: "Oh, then why don't we celebrate the sinking of the TITANIC"!!

4. "THREE'S COMPANY"
Plot: A former girlfriend of Jack's shows up (played by Loni Anderson, "pre-WKRP"). Jack first says he plans to resist her, saying he'll be "just like an iceberg". Of course, that fails, and he's soon heading off on a date with her:
CHRISSY: "Some iceberg"

JANET:"Yeah, he went down like the TITANIC"

5. "TOO CLOSE FOR COMFORT"
Plot: Everybody but Henry (played by Ted Knight) is gathered downstairs, for a seance, to contact the deceased former tenant, Mr. Raffkin (fans of the old "Night Court" series will also recognize Selma Diamond, as Mr. Raffkin's sister Mildred):

RAFFKIN's VOICE: "Mom sends her love. She got married again".

MILDRED: "Who did she marry?"

RAFFKIN's VOICE: "The skipper of the TITANIC"!!

MILDRED: "But she hates the oceans"!!

RAFFKIN's VOICE: "So does he".

 

[John Clifford]

And finally,

6. "THE LOVE BOAT"

Plot: An elderly couple, played by Ray Bolger and Harriet Nelson, are aboard the Pacific Princess, to renew their wedding vows. However, it was noted that whenever they sailed on a ship, bad luck always struck, but to the people they were around.
Of course, bad things do happen to Doc, Isaac, Julie, and Gopher (Captain Steubing has bad luck hit at the very end), so that they're quite happy when the ship returns to Los Angeles.

However, at one point, the crewmembers are talking to the couple, who mention how the sea has always been a part of their life, together:

HARRIET NELSON: "Oh yes. We were married on the TITANIC".
(Not something everyone wanted to hear).


Yes, I remember many of these lines from watching various sitcom repeats.

 

[Don Tweed]

John,
You are right it was Trapper John.
And I take my hat off to you for the wealth of lines you remember!!!
I will try to scare up a few more!
-Don

 

[Jim Kalafus]

This thread brought back a flood of mercifully repressed memories (Particularly of the Partridge Family episode which I have not seen since ca1972 but of which have retained far too much, including the facts that the grandparents separate then move in with the P.F, forcing them to split along gender lines, and that their last name was Renfrew, and that grandpa forces the boys to eat something vile by the name of Renfrew Stew, compelling them to Hatch A Plan) but all I can contribute to this discussion is another 1972 memory of an Underdog episode in which a liner by the name of Lusitanic is sinking and the predictable thing happens.

 

[Richard K. Mason]

Hello Friends;

Do Any of you out there Remember a show called "Dave Allen At large"? I thought it was GREAT! Anyway, on one particular show, he had a skit showing a rich passenger at a bar asking the bartender for "more ice for his drink". In the background, you see a fake Titanic lifepreserver. Suddenly, the wall it's hanging on is in-undated by a large chunk of ice! Pretty comical, I thought at the time. But really sad when you think about the REAL tragedy. But then, Dave Allen was noted for his irreverence, wasn't he?

Take Care, Richard

 

[Fiona Nitschke]

LOL! I remember it well, we loved Dave Allen when we were kids. I particularly remember that skit, as when I saw Time Bandits, there was a scene in that film that brought it all back:

Randall (expansively): More champagne.
Waiter: Of course sir...
He walks briskly off, revealing a large sign ‘SS Titanic’ behind him and his colleague.
Randall: And lots of ice!
At that moment there is a rending crunch...

I remember really enjoying Dave Allen’s joke and that scene in Time Bandits (yes, it is very black humour), so imagine my surprise when I read through Cameron’s movie script and found a scene (complete with photo) deleted from the final film:

...Molly Brown holds up her drink to a passing waiter.
Molly: Hey, can I get some ice here please?
Silently a moving wall of ice fills the windows behind her...

I can’t be the only person glad that Cameron cut that particular scene. Too much resonance with jokes of comedy shows past…

But thanks Richard, I’d forgotten that was the title of Dave Allen’s show. Must pop off and update the blasted website again. Cheers.

 

[Tom Pappas]

"Too much resonance?"
How about "too little taste?" - naaaah.

Anyway, I thought a one-liner was a very small steamship company.

 

[Hillary Kidd]

I can't think of any one liners at the moment,but did anyone else ever see the episode of the News Radio take-off of Cameron's movie? I didn't get to see it all, but the entire staff was a character from the movie and the office building was the Titanic. It was rather interesting to say the least. Just wondered if anyone else ever saw it and could shed some more light on the subject.

Hillary

 

[Mac Smith]

Ironically, that News Radio episode was the last that Phil Hartman was in, before his tragic murder. (Also, ironically, his name, in the opening credits, is shown at the same time they show a clip of the Twin Towers.) Probably not big on the scale of irony, but irony nonetheless.

 

[Alicia Windsor]

I found a one-liner on Sabrina the Teenage Witch. On one episode, Sabrina becomes perfect and doesn't make mistakes anymore. So she has to go to a school to learn to make mistakes. Anyways, who is sitting in the front row of the class but a Captain Smith with a round life preserver around his neck? It was a terrible episode, but I keep an eye on Sabrina now just to see more of Captain Smith! Ah, the divine madness of obsession.

 

[Sahand Miraminy]

Hey All,
I remember on Two Of A Kind with the Olsen Twins that a guy Ashley liked was Leo from Titanic and she said she was sometimes mistaked for Kate Winslet....Also she wanted to watch it several times with boys and has a poster of the movie in her bedroom. Also on 7th Heaven, the father compares something to the band on the Titanic. Also In Junkyard Wars, water is on the wrong side of the boat and they compare it to the Titanic. There is so much more but I will stop going on.

Sahand