UPCOMING Sale of TITANIC Artifacts

[Bob Godfrey]

It's only Monica in that photo, Jim. All done with mirrors.

While I'm here I should point out, doubtless to the surprise of many, that cell phone technology in 1912 had advanced to the point where the smallest models of the Nokia range, for instance, would fit quite comfortably (with some persuasion) inside the average suitcase or cabin trunk. Battery life, however, remained a problem on long voyages.

 

[monica e. hall]

Don't be silly, Jim. It was Bob, of course, though he tells me now that he's given up pole-dancing due to arthritis. Paul's bought the wig and has installed 4G technology in the weave, and I'm thinking of switching to directoire interlock garments.

 

[Paul Rogers]

Jim: you started this, so ...

Ask yourself, who was the person who tried to sell me the alleged iPhone of Titanic's Chief Officer? Who was it who swore to me that Henry Wilde had received a special exemption from using the Blackberry Curve that was White Star's standard issue to its Officers? Who was that? Hmm? When you've fully recalled that shameful episode - and what I promised would happen to you as a consequence - then see if you can work out why Madeline Astor's Collectors' plates will not be leaving the UK any time soon.

 

[Jim Kalafus]

>When you've fully recalled that shameful episode

I acted in good faith, believing it all to be true. And, by that point, I had already published STANLEY LORD: THE "LOST" EMAILS- the article you helped me to write and then refused to allow your name on: "Oh, no, I couldn't. You did 90% of the work, and your name DESERVES to be the only one on the title page." I got the last laugh, however, when I sold the development rights to a well known cable/satellite network, and it was turned into a 'prestige' two hour documentary. And....pardon me for asking, but who was it who fed me the information that I assimilated and then made public, via a rare TV interview, that the Cafe Parisian was headquarters for "a social set in which lust was the price of admission and satan himself held the reins?" And, by the way, I followed the directions you gave me to find your house last night, to the letter, twice, and both times found myself at a sewage treatment facility far to the east of London. I am sure that the gathering survived without me.

 

[Bob Godfrey]

Jim, how could you possibly have got lost when only last week I sold you Boxhall's autographed TomTom Satnav?

 

[Bob Godfrey]

And don't complain that it was faulty, because that's entirely authentic. It would have got you to a location only 13 miles away from Paul's place, and after that all you had to do was follow the smell of money.

 

[Jim Kalafus]

Funny thing. Each time I arrived at the Rogers' house, the lights would snap off and Paul would call out "Be up in a minute." Despite the cars in the drive and parked along the street. Finally, on the third time, I phoned, using a Motorola Tracfone (SAVED BY A THIRD CLASS PASSENGER) and both Rogers apologized profusely for not having told me that they had moved. And, the new address, when programmed into SatNav, led me to a sewage processing plant. Later, they told me that I hade inverted a digit, and the house number was 100050003008, not 800050003001. But, I have grave doubts....

 

[Bob Godfrey]

Clearly you ignored my after-sales advice. Clearly you didn't take green flares. Paul always comes running when he sees his favourite colour on the horizon.

 

[Paul Rogers]

Bob: it's not my fault that I have had to constantly chase money in recent years. Anyway, things will be better in the New Year, as Carol has had her credit card stolen. I haven't bothered to report it to the police as, since the theft, the monthly bills have fallen by around 70%.

Based on these events, I have decided to reduce my work availability by one third to only two days per week. It's bad timing as, due to the recession, I have been forced to cut my day rate by 50% to only £8,750 + Expenses + VAT. This decision will make life tougher, and so we'll have to forego those little luxuries we used to indulge in, but the stress of working a 21 hour week was beginning to affect my life/work balance.

Jim: the SatNav was working correctly. We live in a sewage processing plant. I saw a car circling and wondered why no-one actually bothered to get out and ring the doorbell. Next time, please have a little faith in people; you will find the world a better place if you do.

 

[Bob Godfrey]

Well, Paul, I'd never intended to admit that it was me wot had it away with Carol's credit card, but since my action was clearly to your advantage perhaps we could negotiate a fee for services rendered? As I spent a whole day in the settling tank casing the joint I think £8,750 + Expenses + VAT would be fair? But I give fair warning that my expenses were considerable - especially the dry cleaning bills.

 

[Paul Rogers]

Haha! Nice try, Bob but I did say that Carol's credit card bill had fallen by 70%. Not by 99.99%. I took the liberty of having you placed under surveillance by a private investigator, and he confirmed that your total monthly expenditure never exceeds £1 13s 4d - so you simply cannot be the thief.

 

[monica e. hall]

This is all utterly ridiculous. You're all mad, stupid, and silly, and I'm ashamed to be associated with you. The operating system on the Titanic was open-architecture, and the forerunner of Linux and, sadly, not yet compatible with Cape Race. Hence the disaster. Thank goodness for the GPS signal built into Baker Joughin's Kenwood Chef which he lugged overboard at considerable risk to himself.

 

[Jim Kalafus]

>the SatNav was working correctly. We live in a sewage processing plant.

Ah, no. I had a 'plant' at your party (who informed me that there was a lot of 'obeast-making food that makes you obeast if you eat obeast-making food' available) who told me about the 'freeze, hit the floor, turn out the lights and play dead' order that was in effect should I show up.

So, nice try... but I see thru your risible ruse. You want me to be arrested while trying to break into a sewage treatment plant which is closed for the holidays.

 

[monica e. hall]

Alyson has a passport? She travels?

 

[Jim Kalafus]

Tim's alter ego. You'd never recognise him.

 

[Paul Rogers]

Sadly, yes. I thought I was being kind as, when I saw Alyson at Gatwick airport, she looked no more than a single meal away from dying of starvation. So I invited her to spend New Year's with us, where I force-fed her cake, cream and chocolate, to build up her obeastity.

I presently perfectly perceive that Jim had playfully placed a plant into my plant.

 

[monica e. hall]

This is just terrible. I thought Tim liked me. I liked him and, without his wig, he seemed quite normal. But only yesterday, a weird garbage bin man rang the doorbell and told me that the microchip in the recycling bin had registered ash from Welsh coal, and a Commodore PET beneath the packaging from an Xmas Wii. He was rather menacing, and said that his flight left in 4 hours, in a falsetto voice. Can't you control Alyson?

 

[Jim Kalafus]

Plant was planted prudently, and perceptively, pre-empting Paul's plot. Rogers~ rascal~ readily realised that rotten reprimands resultant from his regretable ruining of my reputation wraught rueful ramifications (Rout and rampage? By me? Oh, REALLY....) regarding the success of his New Years party. Jim, generally jolly, justifiably jeers at jackanapes and jackdaws~ subsequently, silly scheme centering, sadly, on sewage subterfuge sank. Plant posted pithy prompts previewing Paul's perfidy.

Monica- menancing, mustached, miniskirted man in mod mop-wig? My god.

 

[Paul Rogers]

Oh, very well played, Sir!

 

[Jim Kalafus]

We used to torment a co-worker by speaking, endlessly, in alliteration. Or in Dr. Seuss meter. Subsequently, I am disturbingly good at doing either off the top of my head. Be glad, very glad, we werent sparring in Seuss.